The Untidy Germaphobe
The Untidy Germaphobe
Today in LA fashion I bring you the “Untidy Germaphobe,” as spotted on the Metro Red Line to Union Station. Yeah, yeah, I know. Criticizing fashion on the Metro is too easy, but I go with what I know.
When I first saw the “Untidy Germaphobe” sitting across from me on the train, I only noticed his surgical mask.
“He must be wearing that because of the poor air quality due to the Station Fire,” I thought to myself, smirking arrogantly at my own reflection in my iPod.
Then my eyes moved down to his hands, which were tautly sheathed in blue latex gloves, perfectly color coordinated to match his jaunty mask.
“Hmm. Germaphobe,” I nodded, feeling quite satisfied that I had him all figured out.
Glancing over one more time, I took in the rest of his ensemble, which continued to vex me for at least three more minutes, or however long it takes to get from Hollywood & Highland to Sunset & Vermont. The gloves and the mask seemed to match a Mysophobic personality disorder sure, but what the hell was going on with the rest of his scene? First of all, his clothes and boots were visibly filthy. Not approved Germaphobe attire. Second, he smelled like he had not showered in quite some time. Definitely the type of violation that could get you kicked out of Germaphobe Camp.
Taking all of the above into consideration, I finally narrowed this guy down to one of three stereotypes, placing the most weight of course on his peculiar outfit (who wears a snow hat in LA during a heat wave?):
1. Recently discharged Vietnam War veteran
2. Construction worker from the 1950’s
3. Anti-government militia soldier
I can’t decide which one, so I’m leaving it up to you fine readers to decide. What’s this dude’s deal? Feel free to offer your own guess.
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4. Wack Job
Performance art. Or an attempt at avoiding swine flu. Or both.
Probably a good idea (trying to avoid swine flu) but good luck with that. I remember when I used to live in NYC, during the tuberculosis resurgence, hearing that if you took the subway at all (even once) during this one five-year period, you were exposed.
Here, I’m safely sealed in my car– and at the mercy of the morons who text while driving.
One more thing: I know it’s an attempt at humor but this needs to be said: It’s insensitive to joke about Vietnam War vets, assuming the reference is to the mentally impaired ex-soldiers who receive inadequate care from the VA and end up untreated and homeless. They’ve suffered enough at the hands of our government.
Thanks, Chal. I assume it is insensitive for me to joke about a lot of the things I joke about!
Is it also insensitive to joke about militia soldiers? or are they fair game?
Maybe he’s protecting us from his germs…
I know, Verdell– I don’t know what came over me. I guess the republinuts are getting to me.
Yeah, Lucinda, militia soldiers are to be ridiculed. Just don’t give them my contact info.
A friend of mine in Atlanta said three of his co-workers just returned from a convention in Vegas and they all have the swine flu. Wait. Is swine flu insensitive to pigs or can I still use it?
Maybe he works in a super-dirty job? Or maybe he’s undergoing chemo or is immunosuppressed in some other way?
I think the PC term is H1N1. I remember reading the pork industry got all huffy (like me) about calling it swine flu. Which reminds me, I sure love bacon.
It is obvious he is on his way to perform emergency surgery somewhere adjacent to the red line